CUN- FYOO- XUN

hello. :)
yes, I know it has been about two centuries since i last posted or even read anyone else's blogs.
My brain and i aren't on speaking terms with each other right now, even though it's not my fault. The stupid thing doesn't listen.

Ever since school started, the only thing i have been thinking about is university applications, becauuse my college counselor will NOT let me forget with her long threatening emails and scary notices and final deadlines.

I had to write a resume. I have never done that before in my whole entire life, and it was a pretty daunting task. i figure I should have done more stuff in the past couple of years, cuz i really didnt have that much to write about. 


After i gave it in (on the last possible day) i realised i had left out a couple of things that i hadn't thought were important but my friends say were. (like being able to understand and speak a little gujrati) there was a whole other slew of things too. I had to ask teachers to write recommendations. I love my language teacher, so I asked her immmediately, but i had no clue who else to ask. i could ask either my physics or psych teacher or math teacher from last year, but they didn't really know me that well. My psych teacher doesn't know anyone, not even her own advisees(she's a counsellor, im glad i dont have her) and my physics teacher kinda knew me from when i got good grades, i think, but i was advised against asking him, and my math teacher.. i talked a lot in his class, so my psych teacher it was. I'm not too happy with that decision, but oh well. I just hope she looks in her records or whatever and sees that i have good grades.


Then there are the forms. there are so many forms. I hate filling out forms, it's so scray, because i keep thinking i'm going  to write something wrong. i have to keep checking my passport for how my name is spelt, and how my middle name is written. it's terrifying. plus, i've got the worst handwriting in the universe, and being nervous while writing only makes it worse.but you know, all of the above would be so much easier to handle if i had a sure idea of where i wanted to go. 
Since i was little, it was always NCA, in lahore. but that was when i wanted to be an architect. I want to be a psychologist now, but there aren't a lot of good places on pakistan for that. there's bahria, and KU, but i don't wanna stay in karachi, i feel like i need to learn to be independant. I am the most dependant person i know. I want to wash my own clothes in a washing machine, and put them in a dryer, and stuff. i've never done stuff like that before.


There is always BNU, in Lahore, which is good, i guess, since ive wanted to study in lahore forever (even though i've never been there) but it's a really new college, and i don't think it's very good for psychology.

THEN i decided to apply abraoad (which is the reason behind all the forms and deadlines and resumes that are killing 


me) My mum didin't want me to go elsewhere at all at first, but then shhe said its okay if iu apply, and then she said MAYBE i could go, and now she doesn't even say that anymore. So i'm pretty sure i'd be allowed to go. I just hope i could get a scholarship of some kind. most of the stupid schools don't even offer financial aid to international students.
My original choices were america, canada and the uk. (generic, yes.) 


At first, when I gave the toefl, i was really excited about canada. 
but then i started looking at universities in the uk and fell ion love with Bath university(my friends made fun of the name) and UCL. But then i suddenly got really scared and started freaking out about the uk, because i've never been there before, and it was scary thinking about it. In the end, i decided not to apply to the uk, because im a chicken and it was too scary and i didnt have family there and the UCAS was one less thing to worry about.


but the US is the country that is driving me insane. I HATE COMMONAPP. 
also, i have no idea where to apply. there are so many places and its so CONFUSING!
I decided on two places in minnesota, cuz i like it there, (even though i have no idea how i'l survive the cold if i end up going there. I can just barely stand Karachi winters, and they're not even cold.)


I am not entirely happy with my choices so far. I'm sad.
And i've just realised that i want to apply to the UK again, despite the extra forms, but I don't know if i'll be allowed, cuz my counsellor is so scary. I'm afraid to ask her, cuz she'll just say, "Deadlines.. should've decided before... I told you to research in the summer.. Bubblebutt.. blah blah blah."


And now i want to go to Spain, too. and learn Spanish. I've always wanted to learn Spanish, but in this gigantic city, i couldn't find even one place that would teach me. so i want to learn in university. but my parents said no to going to Spain, so i want to go someplace that has a study abroad program and teaches Spanish, too.


AND i'm giving the SAT in November, and i haven't even started studying. There's no way i'm getting a good score in that. I should probably just not even bother with the US.


I can't wait till all this application business is over. my life will be easier.
but then i'll have to decide where to go (if i get in anywhere that is). if i go to lahore, i'll get to be closer to home, and come home for eid and stuff, and fast with other people who are fasting.
no matter what people say about lahore being completely different from karachi, it can't be as different as a whole other country.
i know i want to be independent and all, but i don't know if i can be THAT independent, and live away from my family and home for so long. 

If i decide to study out of pakistan, where will I get chilli milli and crunchies and malteasers and bhutta and halwa poori and kachoris and aam paapar and chicken tikka and all of that delicious stuff? and how will I live without chicken? It's practically the only thing i eat. you don't get halaal food everywhere. I CAN"T LIVE ON VEGETABLES. 
and how will I keep my rozas if no one else is? It takes various people yelling at me and practically being shoved out of my bed for me to be able to wake up for sehri. How will I do that if there's no one to wake me up? and how will I remember to pray without the azaan? half my namaazes are prayed qaza anyway.
And HOW will I get my eyebrows threaded? 
and what will i do if i have the sudden urge to speak in urdu, and have no one to speak it with? or what if i can't remember how to translate an urdu word into english and it's a life-or-death situation? 

uff, i'm so confused. I want an epiphany about the perfect college for me. then i want to get in to that college. how do some people know exactly where they want to go there entire lives? wait, i used to be like that. why did i suddenly decide to change my career path. I hate myself. 

Wow, If you read through all of that, you must be incredibly bored by now. apologies.

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EID MUBARAK! :D

is it sad that this was saved for last?

I hope all of you have a wonderfully marvellous eid. or had, seeing as it's almost over.

It's so strange that Ramzaan's over already. I have to keep reminding myself that i'm finally allowed to eat. But i'm really sad ramzaan is over. It's my favourite month. 

maghrib ki azaan is so disappointing now that there's no iftaar anymore.

My family and i are going to thatta tommorrow. Nice break from Eid milling. I'm not a very social person, and the only fun thing about going to other people's houses and sitting uncomfortably is the eidi.

I'm going to have an onslaught of tests as soon as eid is over, but i haven't studied anything.